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steph
10:08 am on July 31, 2010 |
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Long, long couple of weeks, but we’re in Wisconsin and beginning to settle in.
Love our townhouse. We share a pool (small) and a tennis court with the rest of the building – two other townhouses. We have a shared yard, and very considerate neighbors who also have a dog, so no conflicts. Everyone cleans up after themselves.
It’s not perfect, but comfortable for the way we like to live, and not too much I’d change if it were mine. Milwaukee area is more expensive than I’d hoped, and I didn’t get much of a raise to come here, and there were more expenses to moving than I’d planned on, so money is tighter than I’d like, but workable ( I think/hope). Jim is looking for a little something to do on the side to make up the slack, and it looks like being possible for him to find something, so I’m not losing sleep over it, or at least not yet.
The job is interesting, and I think it’s going to be a good fit for me. The industry is HIGHLY regulated – everyone and his brother wants to look up our skirts, far worse than insurance or banking were, but I actually like a regulated environment. They have, perhaps, gone a bit overboard on the compliance stuff, but it’s a work in progress. But sheesh – 4 WEEKS of compliance training? Really? OK, but sheesh.
Anyway, the job is a good mix of stuff I already know how to do and am good at, and stuff I need to learn, and stuff I want to learn. I like my boss, and her boss. I like the major customer I’ve met so far, and don’t hate the two I haven’t met.
As you might expect, co-workers are a mixed bag. I like most well enough, so far, but I don’t like the contractor I’m taking over for. He’s very process oriented, which would normally for me be a good thing, but he’s one of those guys who values process over efficiency and effectiveness – and over customer service. You know the guy – he’s the one who refuses to help you because you missed a form, but won’t help you deal with the form either. For him, process appears to be an excuse to just not do stuff, and I don’t like that. But he’ll be out of the picture soon enough, and I’ll be able to handle my customers the way I see fit. And who knows? Maybe he’s justified in being that way. I’ll know better in six months.
So anyway, house, job, and husband are good. I’m good. Milwaukee is good. I’ve definitely had worse moves!
For my friends from the MF world, my weight is holding perfectly steady, which makes me quite happy. I was afraid that the necessity of dealing with a lot of fast food during the move would cause issues, but it worked out fine. I just made the best choices I could. My exercise program disappeared for a month in there, but the company offers a free gym membership for both me and husband, so that’s fixable.
So really, I don’t have any complaints to speak of. And isn’t THAT special?
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steph
2:53 pm on July 16, 2010 |
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We’ve been packing and preparing madly for this move for oh, three weeks or so now, and finally are approaching the finish line.
It’s funny, I don’t mind the work. Oh, it’s a pain, but moving is also an opportunity to downsize, simplify, get things uncluttered. Other people do spring cleaning, but I just move. So it’s not the work – it’s the stress.
Money is always tight during moves, and then there’s time, and timing. Everything has to be in the right place at the right time with the right amount of money. There are a blue million details. There are a blue million people to coordinate. There are leases to end and begin, and utilities, and movers, and cars, and pets, and kids, and parents, and the list just goes on and on.
I’m normally a sound sleeper, particularly these days since I’ve lose so much weight and run so much. But the last three weeks find me waking up at 2 am, wondering if I’ve remembered to feed the cats, pay the movers, change the gas over, blah blah blah… a million things to do, and a million lists.
You’d think that Jim being retired would make it easier. On one level, it does. He’s doing a lot of the packing and errands, and it’s wonderful to not have to do everything myself. But I’ve always been a control freak, now more than ever. Who would have guessed that having help would be so stressful, huh? Really? Jim is perfectly competent, but it still drives me nuts that not everything that’s happening is flowing through my hot little hands. I have to MAKE myself leave him along and let him do it – and then I worry worry worry about it. Sheesh.
We learn something new every day, right? My lesson today is “open my hands”. Let go. I don’t HAVE to do everything, control everything. Jim is perfectly dependable and able.
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Wow, Roger, what a relief it must be to actually have some idea what’s going on with you. There’s nothing worse than having the creeping feeling that SOMETHING is up and not being able to put your finger on it or fix it.
It’ll be interesting to see if some of your other symptoms improve when your brain isn’t oxygen starved any longer.
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steph
11:37 am on June 30, 2010 |
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Well, friends and neighbors, the job gawds have smiled upon me yet again.
I was in no particular hurry to leave this place. Love my boss. Love the people. Job is interesting. But I knew when I took it that it was a limited gig – the business is in run off, and eventually they’re going to turn off the lights. So for the last six months or so, I’ve been looking, but nothing panned out.
And then one just fell in my lap.
Last year, my boss sent me a to Very Big Deal Leadership School at the Very Large Company I work for. This particular training is supposedly reserved for the upwardly mobile, intended to enhance leadership skills and build cross-business networking. Hey, it worked for me – one of the women I was in class with mentioned my name to an HR person who was having trouble finding candidates for a slot, and he gave me a call. Turns out the slot was a perfect fit for me, in a business I very much want to be in, working with people I want to work with. One interview, and here I am, packing my crap.
I guess about the only potential down side is that the position is in a suburb of Milwaukee. I’d never been to the Great State of Wisconsin until last week, but it turns out that Wisconsin in summertime is very like Indiana but cooler and less humid, and with more lakes. It was truly lovely. What I don’t look forward to is the winters, but as husband says, nothing is forever – if we hate it, we’ll just move in a couple of years.
So, here we go again, off on a new adventure. I’m REALLY excited about this one!
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steph
7:43 pm on May 30, 2010 |
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Well, yesterday was the big 50 Birthday. I think I’m supposed to be traumatized, but heck, this has been a very good year and I’m really looking forward to the next one being even better. It’s hard to be traumatized when you’re busy celebrating.
Losing 70 pounds, this year, and taking up running, has changed my life in ways I couldn’t have imagined a year ago. It’s literally a new lease on life. I may be a year older but I feel oh, about 15 years younger. I feel like I can do anything, these days, and I’m not afraid to try. Physical confidence has had a surprising impact on my emotional and mental state. I just FEEL better. I act better. I do a better job at my job, at being a wife, at just about everything. My life is more under control than it’s been in all of my adult life. I can take being 50, if it feels this good.
My job is good. Sadly, it’s not my forever job, but it’s a Good Job, good for me, and I’m good for them.
Best of all, my husband is home, after years of working away from home and only being here on the weekend. We’re not doing THAT shit any more, ever. Fuck the creditors, I’m done with living like a bachelor to pay the bills. That sounds more dramatic than it really is – we’re able to pay the bills – but the price of being apart just got too high to take any more. I LIKE my husband, and I love him a lot, and being apart just doesn’t work for us. He’s home, and that’s good for all of us.
Happy Birthday to me!
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steph
1:16 pm on May 21, 2010 |
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Note here that I do my share of whining. I suspect that everyone whines at least sometimes. But some people are just freakin’ addicted to it. They’re so addicted that they’d rather whine than actually DO something about whatever it is they’re complaining about.
You can tell a whine from a legitimate complaint by the fact that the non-whiner is actually looking for a course of action to resolve the issue. They ask for advice. Or they complain for a while, then start talking about the various things they might do next to make it better. They listen to advice, they explore ideas, then they make a plan and go away and give the plan a shot. The plan won’t always work, of course, but at least they’re trying, and that makes them different from the perpetual Whiners who always whine about the same menu of things and never actually DO anything.
A close second to whining is the Professional Victim. Most PVs also whine, but a few suffer bravely. Remember the “you understood” rule when learning English? When a PV is suffering bravely, it’s “whine understood”.
The PV is a very near relative to the whiner. So close, in fact, that it’s hard to tell any real difference. People and situations are always beating on the PV, and they’re always making sure that everyone knows they’re being beaten on – and again, they’re not actually DOING anything about it. They suffer, loudly or quietly, but always publicly, and thrive on sympathy. Unlike the Whiner, PVs often seek advice, but it’s pointless. The only reason they seek advice is so that they can tell you all the reasons that no possible course of action will get them out of their victimhood. They’re not trying and they’re not going to try. They just want sympathy.
These are not to be confused with the people who try again, and again, and again, and somehow always manage to mess up. That’s another set of syndromes, and while it’s very, very tiring, at least they’re trying. As long as they’re trying, there’s some hope. I can tolerate the triers, generally, and want to help them – they bring out my maternal instincts.
But Whiners and Professional Victims just irritate the crap out of me. To the point where, once I recognize the existence of one of these people, I pretty much banish them from my life. They cease to exist. Oh, you can’t throw out family members, but you can stop listening, and that’s what I do. I don’t participate. This gets me labeled by some family members and acquaintances as unsympathetic, mean, etc, but that’s ok – they can call me any damned thing they like as long as I don’t have to listen to the whining.
Sadly, the place where you’re most likely to run in to both Whiners and Professional Victims is in any group labeled “Support”. There’s nothing a Whiner or a PV likes better than a group dedicated to delivering “support”. Note here that Whiners and PVs define “support” as “sympathy”. If you’re not sympathetic, you’re not supportive. If your advice or help requires any specific action or change on their part, you don’t understand. If you insist that doing the same thing they’ve always done will get them the same thing they’ve always gotten, you’re not supportive.
As far as I can tell, the hallmark of all “support” groups is unconditional acceptance of Whiners and PVs.
My life got a lot happier and I learned to enjoy my friends and family a lot more when I banished Whiners and PVs from my hearing. You wouldn’t think it would matter that much, but Whiners and PVs are true energy vampires who cannot bear having attention directed at anything or anyone that doesn’t keep them square in the center. It takes a lot of energy to sympathize but never try to solve a problem. It’s tiring, and it’s painful. And futile.
So if you find yourself inexplicably tired around some friends and family members, if you feel drained after every interaction with a certain person, if you find yourself dreading an evening with someone, take a close look – this person may well be a Whiner or a PV. You can’t help them, and they CAN hurt you – so consider minimizing their presence in your life and giving yourself a break. Send them off to Whiners Anonymous, where they can whine to each other all evening without dragging you down with them.
And if YOU are a Whiner, or a PV, just go away. I’m sure you’re a very nice person, but I don’t have time for you today.
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steph
3:31 pm on May 18, 2010 |
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My son is having marriage troubles. He said to me “Mom, I always end up here – someone leaving me and me begging them to stay.”
Well yeah, Son, and so do we all. Every single relationship we’re ever in fails until we finally get to the right one – that one doesn’t fail, so we don’t get left again.
It was in the last place I looked. Well of COURSE it was – you didn’t keep on looking after you found it.
It seems like I never find just the right…. diet, relationship, financial plan, whatever. Well of course. You wouldn’t still be looking if you’d found it. And if you’d found it, you wouldn’t be thinking in terms of it being the wrong one AGAIN because it would be the right one.
That’s the truth of life. We learn by experience. Once in a while you’ll hit on the right thing the first try, but mostly you do it, it doesn’t work out so well, you do something different next time, learn a little something, tweak the plan, try it again, and eventually get it Just Right.
That’s not failure.
I know if FEELS like failure when you have to try over and over again, whether it’s a relationship or a diet or a job, but as long you’re learning something each time, eventually you’re going to figure it out. It’s not failure, it’s learning curve.
Seeing it that way matters. If you see yourself constantly as a failure, you acquire the habit of being a failure. If you see yourself as constantly learning and improving – then you are.
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steph
11:05 am on May 18, 2010 |
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I recently spent a bunch of hours working on an issue for a user. A screen in an application just didn’t look right, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t get it adjusted. I fiddled and twiddled and adjusted and it still looked like crap.
Finally, it occured to me that even though the user was reporting that application as the problem that the issue really existed everywhere on his computer – he just hadn’t noticed it anywhere else. When I focused on fixing the issue for the entire system, the problem was magically corrected.
See, I was fighting the wrong enemy.
We think in terms of fighting food. You see it all the time – the pizza tempted me, the smell was just too much, I was craving fried chicken, I just couldn’t resist the potato chips - like it’s the food that’s the enemy. We’ve got it in our heads that it’s us against the food, and that the food has been winning all these years and that’s why we’re fat.
Sadly, however, the food just lays there. It has no will of its own. The pizza doesn’t leap down your throat against your will. And that means that food isn’t the enemy. It can’t fight you or resist you. It just lays there until you pick it up and put it in your mouth.
So what ARE we fighting? Ourselves. We do battle with the inner brat who demands immediate gratification. Give me cake NOW, she screams, and we can’t resist.
Think that doesn’t matter? Well, if you spend all your time fighting against food, how do you expect to solve the REAL problem? You can’t tame your eating issues by fighting pizza, because pizza isn’t the problem.
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steph
3:46 pm on May 17, 2010 |
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Years ago, you used to hear about drug pushers getting school kids hooked by hanging around the school yard passing out free samples. One, then another, then another, then the kid is hooked and the pusher has a steady customer.
The lure is seductive. I imagine (of COURSE I’d NEVER try illegal drugs cough cough) that drugs make you feel good – eliminate pain, physical or psychic, produce euphoria, whatever – or people wouldn’t use them. If there’s no immediate, obvious downside (like a hangover), there doesn’t seem to be any reason to not do it again. And again. And then you can’t stop doing it again.
It’s a seduction, appealing to the senses and hiding the dangers.
I’ve been reading back over things I wrote as I got seduced by this running thing. It’s hard some days to see why I kept coming back. I mean, it HURT. And it was embarrassing being out there fat, flabby, slow, being passed by the soccer moms pushing strollers, and the elderly speed walkers.
But see, it’s seductive. It feels good – even when it hurts.
In the beginning, practically every time you go out is a win. You go a little further, or a smidge faster, or it’s not as hard as it was the day before. And the pounds are peeling off too, and you can see your body getting reshaped in ways you didn’t think were possible. You can see it changing right in front of your eyes.
And then there are the big wins, like running 3 miles for the first time, or 5. Or 9. Or 13. Or finally getting below 12 minute miles. Actually passing a couple of those soccer moms. Shrinking out of the XXLs into extra large sweats into large sweats and then medium… and then discovering that, for the first time in I dunno how many years, you can wear shorts without them creeping up between your legs.
Yeah, it’s seductive. After a while, the aches and pains and soreness actually become their own payoff.
And before you know it, you’re sucked into The Dark Side. You’ve got a spreadsheet and you actually keep track of your runs. You know what your resting heart rate is. You have more than one pair of running shoes, and you trade them out religiously. You might even start keeping track of how many miles you have on each pair of shoes. You start looking at the winning times for your age bracket.
All is lost. You’ve been sucked into The Dark Side, you’re addicted, and you can’t quit.
They have intervention teams for cults and druggies and drunks… I wonder if there’s an intervention for addicted runners?
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steph
8:22 am on May 17, 2010 |
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There’s something to be said for conservatism – changing the least amount necessary. Any time you recommend or engage in action, you run the risk of doing the wrong thing. There’s risk in staying still too, of course. But when you know something actually works, there’s little risk in doing what works – and little risk in suggesting that others do the same.
I’m not a true conservative in most things. Risk is relative, and everything is risky in its own way. I’m one of those people who’s always looking for a better way – faster, more efficient, more effective. I like to optimize. And I like new stuff. But there’s a level of risk that’s just too much for me. So I guess, in life view, that makes me a “moderate”. Whatever that means.
So, what’s too much risk? Depends, of course. When you’re choosing whether to go to the grocery first, or the hardware store, there might be risk but it’s not foreseeable, so you do whatever you feel like or whatever makes the most sense. But when you’re choosing whether to let your 16 year old daughter go to an unsupervised overnight, well, the risk is obvious – and unacceptable.
Most stuff falls in between, for most people. We just pick the best thing we can, given what we know, and move on.
And how do we know what’s best/least risky? We learn mostly from experience. We picked THIS last time, and THAT happened. Not a desired outcome, so we choose differently when presented with presented with that option in that circumstance again. That’s sanity. We don’t engage in the same failed strategy over and over again unless we’re malfunctioning in some way. That’s just not smart.
Hang in there. I really am going somewhere with this.
So, we’re oh, 50-something, and we’re obese. We’ve been obese for most of our adult lives, and some of us have been obese for all our lives. We’ve tried over and over again, in various ways, to lose weight. We’ve eaten whatever we felt like. We’ve dieted. We’ve cheated on diets. We’ve counted points. We’ve eaten cabbage. We’ve eaten protein. We’ve tried and tried and tried and failed, where the definition of failure is “I’m still fat”. Sometimes we lose and then gain it back. Sometimes we just don’t lose. But the bottom line is that we’ve failed.
Sanity demands that we not keep engaging in the same failing strategies over and over. There’s no point. We already know it’s not going to work if we’ve already done it. But what drives us is that we secretly suspect that the failure isn’t in the plan, it’s in our character. We think that the choice isn’t at fault. We hope that somehow, our character has changed and THIS time, the plan will work.
But changes in character don’t happen by accident. We MAKE them happen. Character is trainable.
Really? Sure. We train our children, and we don’t stop learning just because we’re adults, even though we do learn more slowly. People CAN change, if they choose to change, but it’s not an accident or at random. You have to make a choice, make a plan, and engage in deliberate, specific, purposeful training. I know people think that others don’t change, and perhaps at the most basic level we don’t – but BEHAVIOR is a choice, and is trainable, and the world is full of examples of that change.
But you don’t get change by doing the same failed thing over and over again. You have to do something new. You have to do something different. And obviously, in the case of your weight, you don’t know what that thing is, yet - or, you wouldn’t still be fat.
We know it CAN be done, and that it’s not a question of character. You CAN lose weight. You CAN keep it off. Some people do, and they’re not special people. After all, they have the same flaws you do – they got fat to begin with, and stayed that way for a long time. They just found a stategy that works, that’s all, and they chose to do something new.
The trouble with change, however, is that it requires commitment. You have to um… change. And it requires faith, because you don’t KNOW it’s going to work until you give it a chance. So, you pick a direction, you commit, and off you go, with nothing but hope, at least in the beginning, that it will really change.
Being human, we frequently decide halfway through that we know better, and we go back to doing the same old thing we used to do. In the case of diet, we cheat. We tweak. We do what we feel like doing instead of following the plan. And generally, we fail – and we knew we were going to because cheating is what we’ve always done, and it’s always failed us in the past. But we do it anyway because we’re willfull and stubborn and our inner brat is still running the show. That’s self-destructive, of course, but we usually do it several times before we learn our lesson and decide to learn something new. It’s understandable. We’re like children – we learn from experience, usually bad experience, and if we have a few IQ points, eventually we figure it out.
What’s not so understandable is the drive some of us have to sabotage others.
For some people, it’s not enough to fail themselves. They don’t get the “first do no harm” concept. They need other people to make the same choices to validate their own bad choices. They’re not satisfied with screwing themselves up, they demand that others approve, make no comment on their choices, and they DEMAND the right to tell others that hey, it’s ok to cheat! It’s not just OK, doing anything else is abnormal! It’s not enough that I sabotage myself – I demand the right to tell others to do the same – and I demand the right to condemn people who suggest that staying on plan is a better plan, because they make me feel inferior. They’re bad, bad people.
Suggesting that other people choose to stay on plan is a threat to them. They cheat, they know that cheating is a failed strategy, they know they’re making the same mistakes they’ve always made, and it makes them feel bad. The only way to feel better is if everyone else keeps making the same mistakes too.
I’m sure there are 2 or 3 people out there who successfully lost weight by cheating. There are always exceptions. And I’m committed, completely, to the idea that people be allowed to make their own choices – even when they’re wrong. You’re a grown up, do what works or doesn’t work for you, whatever, it’s fine with me. But don’t bother demanding that I validate your choices – and don’t bother demanding that I allow your crappy advice to other people go unchallenged.
Screwing yourself up is your choice. Screwing other people up just makes you an asshole. Nobody ever failed to lose weight by staying on their diet, and plenty of people have failed over and over again by cheating. So make your choices – but keep your crappy, destructive advice to yourself, unless you’re just dying to hear, out loud, that you’re giving crappy, destructive advice.
